Dorkstar

“And you dropped the note and we changed key You changed yourself and I changed me I really...

Sat, 18 May 2013 07:15:59 -0400

“And you dropped the note and we changed key

You changed yourself and I changed me

I really didn’t see us singing through this

Then you screamed the bridge,

And I cried the verse

And our chorus came out unrehearsed

And you smiled the whole way through it,

I guess maybe that’s what’s worse”

Hanep Buhay

Wed, 15 May 2013 00:13:12 -0400

And they say that what we’re doing is not enough. What is my body worth?

I missed mother’s day. I turned down my friends everytime they asked me to hang out. It’s not that I didn’t want to, I wanted to go, I missed my friends and my family most of all, but I had to work. My family planned an outing for the kids to get together and I think to celebrate mother’s day. But again, duty calls. I don’t know why I’m still planning or saying yes when I know that I don’t have a social life anymore. That my life is tied to my work. I sacrificed my saturdays, events, happenings and gatherings, I sacrificed moments and time with my family. I sold my soul for this.

I don’t need my family, I don’t need friends. I need to do what’s best for the company. They own me now.

The Road Back Home

Tue, 14 May 2013 07:44:29 -0400

I was sitting at the back of the car when we were on our way back to manila. I wasn’t looking in front but rather I was looking at the back. Where everything seemed like it was played backwards. Mount Banahaw was saying goodbye as I looked back. There were a lot of trees and humble huts. A lot of carabaos, horses, and fields filled with whatever people planted there. Everything was nice. Everything was at peace. You know that everything’s starting to change as you’re nearing manila. One by one the billboards rise. One by one the factories greet you. And the fields were slowly going away. You come back to reality. And you realize, that everything’s not playing backwards, instead, everything’s moving forward. We see how we evolve. We see how the world dissolves. We realize how people devolve. In a way people are devolving rather than evolving.

“Don’t tell me the things That you think I want to hear Just tell me the truth, and the...

Tue, 14 May 2013 00:54:42 -0400

“Don’t tell me the things
That you think I want to hear
Just tell me the truth, and the whole truth
Your thoughts, and your hopes,
And your dreams and your fears

Cause I don’t have time to waste
If all that you’re looking for is to chase,
Don’t make me be just another mistake
But still it’s a chance that I’m willing to take for you
For you, it’s all for you”

Welcome Kids

Fri, 10 May 2013 00:49:37 -0400

Everything’s in pitch black except for the flashing lights every once in a while, followed by a sound, sort of an explosion muffled by distance. Like the sound of cosmos exploding. Everything’s in red. You don’t know if it’s because of all the blood or the heat but it’s definitely red. You can’t breathe but you’re not dying. You’re struggling, gasping for air but to no avail. The heat’s searing but your flesh isn’t burning. You just feel it like your flesh is boiling. They made us keep our flesh just for fun. So we could feel everything. We’re crawling on top of thousands of bodies. And more and more bodies keep descending from above. You’d wonder how many layers of human flesh and soul fills that place. When you look up and the flashes come up you can see a glimpse of bodies chained as if they are being pulled apart but the flesh doesn’t tear. You could hear screams, high pitched from above. And the muffled cries from below. No one was dying in that place. And no one can escape. Even the lords, and the inhabitants there wants to escape. But we can’t. Nobody can.

We are trapped.

Screaming.

In pain and in agony.

Suffering.

In the abyss.

Forever.

Live not only for the sake of staying alive

Sat, 04 May 2013 00:18:31 -0400

We breathe for the sake of staying alive, eat for the sake of surviving, and work for the sake of earning and buying stuff we don’t necessarily need. Breathe for the sake of appreciating, eat for the sake of enjoying, and work… meh. Maybe we should start living.

I Am The Son Of Rage And Love

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 03:21:55 -0400

“You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways.”

Well sadly, it’s back. The demons I once buried are back. I don’t know why, how, or why now, but it’s back.

The other night I punched the headboard of my bed like crazy and kicked a hole on every closet. I was furious but I didn’t know why. I wanted to punch everything ‘til every bone in my hands turn to dust. I was angry but at that point when I couldn’t move my fingers, it felt good. It was great to let out some steam but at the same time it scared me that I might not be able to control it again like last time.

They tried to calm me down, I tried to calm me down but I just can’t. I’m hurting those who has always been at my side. They were always there and I repay them with this.

What’s wrong old friend? Why did you wake up?

Asado, Bola-bola

Sat, 13 Apr 2013 04:36:32 -0400

We aren’t special. We’re usually just like everybody else. If someone says that you’re “special” or that “you’re unique” or that you’re the “only one” then there’s a good chance that someone’s been telling you crap.

We’re not special. I don’t think there’s a thing in this world that someone would do for you that hasn’t been done to someone else.

We used to be special. Why would people even bother? People will buy you the same flowers they bought three years ago. They will make you read the same book they discussed with someone else. They will write the same song they’ve sang before. They will tell you a story they’ve already told to hundreds of people. They will end a letter the same way they ended their last. They will give you the same secret smile that they’ve secretly given to other people. They will tell you the same cliche lines they told people over and over. They will tell you how this song “Only One” reminds them of you. It’s funny. People are funny.

I lost My Soul Because I Didn't Read The Fine Print

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 05:06:47 -0400

Greetings boys and girls of all ages! Yes! It’s that time of the year again. But I’ll make this easy for everyone. Everyone, as if anybody’s going to read this.

Let’s start off with a FUCK YOU! How’s that? Tell me how you feel when you read that? That’s life for most of us here. Everyday we wake up to the same old crap.

I’m not angry or anything. I may be acting all tough and shit, but to tell you the truth, a while ago I was on the brink of a meltdown while working. I don’t think this was what I signed up for. Nobody stays happy for long. That’s the truth, kid.

I don’t feel like going into details because this is too fucked up.

Let me lay down and sleep everything off.

the flesh covers the bone
and they put a load of bull
in there and
sometimes a piece of shit too,
and the men break
their bones and their balls
and the …gers don’t work too
much
and nobody receives enough
shit
but keeps on
working
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
men searches
for more than
just dough.

there’s no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever gives a fuck.

their pockets fill
their wallets fill
their gas tanks fill
their bellies fill

nothing else
fills.

I might hurt somebody’s feelings, or I might regret this later, but right now writing this feels just about right.

I’ll be the wind strong enough to blow out the fire, and cold enough to freeze water.

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 09:55:05 -0400

I’ll be the wind strong enough to blow out the fire, and cold enough to freeze water.

The Irony of Dying on Your Birthday

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 12:25:12 -0400

This is how I feel right now. My face feels prickly and pale and chill, and my hands are cold, and my heart is beating oddly in my chest— banging against my rib cage, unpleasantly hard, as if it needs to be free. I’m breathing in shallow gulps when I remember to breathe. My neck hurts. I want to lie on the floor and never get up: be an object, like a chair, or a tree, and never feel anything again.

I'm So Last Summer

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 08:21:12 -0400

She hung up the phone before he could even tell her.

It was a long walk home and he didn’t know what to do. He took out some coins from his pocket with his shivering hands. He bought a pack of cigarette and he smoked, and started walking. But he really didn’t know what else to do, everything was unbearable. He tried his best but he just couldn’t suppress it any longer. In the middle of the street he broke out. He was aware that people could see him so he ran somewhere where no one can see. He kept telling himself “Stop crying. Be strong.” but everything continued to pour out.

He noticed strangers staring at him, so he dusted his self off and started walking again. He still couldn’t figure out what’s happening, or maybe he did and he just didn’t like what’s happening. “Lies! Lies! Lies! They’re all lies!”. He could feel it coming out again so he looked up but the stars weren’t there. So he kept everything in as long as he could.

He found a place in the corner of an old jeep with the lights broken. There in the corner he sat and tried not to think of it. But the more he tried not to think of it, the more it started to pour. Some of the passengers were staring at him. A 20something year old man just pouring like rain on an October night. He’s not a young man, he’s an old boy.

He knew he had to pull his self together again so that no one would notice. it’s really hard to put on a smile when you’re going through a lot. He was used to this kind of thing but this time it was different. His smiles were worn out and his laughter was silent. It was empty but no one seemed to notice. He hugged his folks and they asked him what’s wrong. And he told him that he was just tired.

As soon as he got in his room he turned on the lights, took his clothes off and everything started pouring out again. He sat on the edge of his bed just thinking. He wanted to scream but he couldn’t. He was choking on his own pain. Finally he laid down, like a cross on the floor, and with his dirty old clothes is his heart as lifeless as this night.

Someday she’d be content with what she has

Someday someone would be scared to lose him too

Someday she might foget about the past

But tomorrow he’ll force again the sky to turn blue

And they’ll pretend that nothing has happened that night

“And just take, take, take what you wantIsn’t that...

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 23:18:00 -0400

“And just take, take, take what you want
Isn’t that what we’re living for?
We’re always wanting more”

A Spec In A Drifting Interstellar Cloud of Gas And Dust Called Nebula

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 09:41:29 -0500

Last night I paid a stranger to listen to me.

“So, what’s up?” she said

I just looked at her and smiled then I continued to watch the cars pass by. She let out a sigh and reached for a pack of cigarettes in her pocket. She offered me a smoke and I took one. Then I started talking. I told her how the world would still revolve even if one of us disappeared.

“How so?” she asked

I tried my best to explain it to her as simple as possible. I told her that if I died my family would mourn for a while but eventually time will heal them. And time is what they are mourning for. They mourn for the time they spent with me. My lover’s lovers would be glad that i’m gone because now they might have a shot with her. And she, she would be both sad and relieved. Sad because of the promises I couldn’t keep, and relieved because now she wouldn’t feel guilty for leaving with another guy she met when she was in college. My dog will have it bad though. There would be no one to feed him and no one would take him in because of his fleas. But in the end nothing will ever matter. The world won’t stop just because one of us died. Even if you saved the whole world it wouldn’t stop revolving for you.

We must have smoked half a pack after I finished and she just stared at me in a confused daze. I smiled, stood up, and walked away. She comes after me and said,

“You’ll be okay.”

“Sure.”

Next thing I knew I was standing on the edge of the roof of our house thinking to myself “this isn’t high enough”. So I sat on the edge and looked up. I fell on my back when I saw the stars. Hundreds of thoughts flooded my mind at that time. I closed my eyes and tried to black everything out.

I realized how insignificantly small I am. So I let go.

Choices

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 00:27:22 -0500

We’re all fucked up, we’re constantly fucking things up, and we are destined to hurt people, but it’s what we do after that defines who we are. We’re all going to be assholes, bastards, bitches, and sluts at some point, but we do have a choice. To embrace who we think we are and what other people think we are, or be a better person and change what needs to be changed.

If you decide to be an asshole, a bastard, a bitch, or a slut. Then so be it! It’s your choice. But it’s never too late if you want to change. If you realized that you’re better than that, then it’s not too late.

But if you do decide to change for the best, to become a better person then you’ve realized just how much you’re worth. We aren’t special, we aren’t unique, but you do know that you’re something. And if you decide to steer clear from your past then you have to forgive yourself first, and maybe the people you’ve wronged will follow. But once you’ve done that, know that the only way to make amends to those that you’ve hurt is to never go back down that fucked up road and move forward. We can’t always apologize and say “sorry” then fuck someone up the morning after. It doesn’t work that way. You’ve been given another chance to prove to yourself and to others that you can be a better person. The only thing to do is think about everything you’ve done wrong, take it in, and do what needs to be done. We don’t need to change for other people, maybe, but we do need to change for ourselves.

We always have a choice. Who we are now isn’t who we’ll be.

“I tried to look for a place that I could call home. I found it with her, but nobody was...

Fri, 22 Feb 2013 23:33:37 -0500

“I tried to look for a place that I could call home. I found it with her, but nobody was home… and I found myself alone.”

“this drink keeps me company whenever she leaves. I guess I’m getting used to this kind...

Fri, 22 Feb 2013 22:18:54 -0500

“this drink keeps me company whenever she leaves. I guess I’m getting used to this kind of thing, being drunk and having my heart broken every night…”

Why so serious?

Thu, 21 Feb 2013 22:32:00 -0500

Someone told me that I was too serious the other night, and it made me realize that she may be right. But it’s always different depending on the person and the situation. Some people just wants to have fun while other people are willing to go the extra mile for the things they need or the things they think they need.

Right now I just don’t want to think about anything. I’ll just go with the flow, feel, and let the chips fall where they may because I know that someday I’ll be happy, with a glass of whiskey on my hand, a knife on the other, and an empty notebook filled with good memories.

Wish stick

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 12:12:33 -0500

Someone once told me that if you wished on a wish stick it would come true, but you only have to wish for things that are possible. So I wished for everything to be okay. I don’t know how many wish sticks I’ve smoked but nothing seems to be getting better. IT’s just holding me tighter and tighter, slowly consuming every inch of me as if I’m not already consumed. I’m not getting any better, IT’s only getting worse.

Nightmares

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 20:36:40 -0500

I can’t pretend like nothing happened last night. My head was pounding, and I just wanted to punch something, kick, shout and throw everything out. There was no reason for me to do any of those, but at that moment I felt like doing those things and I don’t even know why. I tossed and turned violently trying to contain everything and control myself and I didn’t even know what was going through my head. My chest felt like it was about to collapse and my head felt like it was going to burst. I don’t know what’s happening. Are they waking up?