Dorkstar

“And you dropped the note and we changed key

You changed yourself and I changed me

I really didn’t see us singing through this

Then you screamed the bridge,

And I cried the verse

And our chorus came out unrehearsed

And you smiled the whole way through it,

I guess maybe that’s what’s worse”

And they say that what we’re doing is not enough. What is my body worth?

I missed mother’s day. I turned down my friends everytime they asked me to hang out. It’s not that I didn’t want to, I wanted to go, I missed my friends and my family most of all, but I had to work. My family planned an outing for the kids to get together and I think to celebrate mother’s day. But again, duty calls. I don’t know why I’m still planning or saying yes when I know that I don’t have a social life anymore. That my life is tied to my work. I sacrificed my saturdays, events, happenings and gatherings, I sacrificed moments and time with my family. I sold my soul for this.

I don’t need my family, I don’t need friends. I need to do what’s best for the company. They own me now.

I was sitting at the back of the car when we were on our way back to manila. I wasn’t looking in front but rather I was looking at the back. Where everything seemed like it was played backwards. Mount Banahaw was saying goodbye as I looked back. There were a lot of trees and humble huts. A lot of carabaos, horses, and fields filled with whatever people planted there. Everything was nice. Everything was at peace. You know that everything’s starting to change as you’re nearing manila. One by one the billboards rise. One by one the factories greet you. And the fields were slowly going away. You come back to reality. And you realize, that everything’s not playing backwards, instead, everything’s moving forward. We see how we evolve. We see how the world dissolves. We realize how people devolve. In a way people are devolving rather than evolving.

“Don’t tell me the things
That you think I want to hear
Just tell me the truth, and the whole truth
Your thoughts, and your hopes,
And your dreams and your fears

Cause I don’t have time to waste
If all that you’re looking for is to chase,
Don’t make me be just another mistake
But still it’s a chance that I’m willing to take for you
For you, it’s all for you”

Everything’s in pitch black except for the flashing lights every once in a while, followed by a sound, sort of an explosion muffled by distance. Like the sound of cosmos exploding. Everything’s in red. You don’t know if it’s because of all the blood or the heat but it’s definitely red. You can’t breathe but you’re not dying. You’re struggling, gasping for air but to no avail. The heat’s searing but your flesh isn’t burning. You just feel it like your flesh is boiling. They made us keep our flesh just for fun. So we could feel everything. We’re crawling on top of thousands of bodies. And more and more bodies keep descending from above. You’d wonder how many layers of human flesh and soul fills that place. When you look up and the flashes come up you can see a glimpse of bodies chained as if they are being pulled apart but the flesh doesn’t tear. You could hear screams, high pitched from above. And the muffled cries from below. No one was dying in that place. And no one can escape. Even the lords, and the inhabitants there wants to escape. But we can’t. Nobody can.

We are trapped.

Screaming.

In pain and in agony.

Suffering.

In the abyss.

Forever.

We breathe for the sake of staying alive, eat for the sake of surviving, and work for the sake of earning and buying stuff we don’t necessarily need.  Breathe for the sake of appreciating, eat for the sake of enjoying, and work… meh. Maybe we should start living. 

“You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways.” 

Well sadly, it’s back. The demons I once buried are back. I don’t know why, how, or why now, but it’s back. 

The other night I punched the headboard of my bed like crazy and kicked a hole on every closet. I was furious but I didn’t know why. I wanted to punch everything ‘til every bone in my hands turn to dust. I was angry but at that point when I couldn’t move my fingers, it felt good. It was great to let out some steam but at the same time it scared me that I might not be able to control it again like last time.

They tried to calm me down, I tried to calm me down but I just can’t. I’m hurting those who has always been at my side. They were always there and I repay them with this.

What’s wrong old friend? Why did you wake up?

We aren’t special. We’re usually just like everybody else. If someone says that you’re “special” or that “you’re unique” or that you’re the “only one” then there’s a good chance that someone’s been telling you crap.

We’re not special. I don’t think there’s a thing in this world that someone would do for you that hasn’t been done to someone else.

We used to be special. Why would people even bother? People will buy you the same flowers they bought three years ago. They will make you read the same book they discussed with someone else. They will write the same song they’ve sang before. They will tell you a story they’ve already told to hundreds of people. They will end a letter the same way they ended their last. They will give you the same secret smile that they’ve secretly given to other people. They will tell you the same cliche lines they told people over and over. They will tell you how this song “Only One” reminds them of you. It’s funny. People are funny.

Greetings boys and girls of all ages! Yes! It’s that time of the year again. But I’ll make this easy for everyone. Everyone, as if anybody’s going to read this.

Let’s start off with a FUCK YOU! How’s that? Tell me how you feel when you read that? That’s life for most of us here. Everyday we wake up to the same old crap.

I’m not angry or anything. I may be acting all tough and shit, but to tell you the truth, a while ago I was on the brink of a meltdown while working. I don’t think this was what I signed up for. Nobody stays happy for long. That’s the truth, kid. 

I don’t feel like going into details because this is too fucked up.

Let me lay down and sleep everything off.

the flesh covers the bone 
and they put a load of bull
in there and 
sometimes a piece of shit too, 
and the men break 
their bones and their balls 
and the …gers don’t work too 
much 
and nobody receives enough 
shit
but keeps on 
working 
crawling in and out 
of beds. 
flesh covers 
the bone and the 
men searches 
for more than 
just dough. 

there’s no chance 
at all: 
we are all trapped 
by a singular 
fate. 

nobody ever gives a fuck. 

their pockets fill 
their wallets fill 
their gas tanks fill 
their bellies fill 

nothing else 
fills. 

I might hurt somebody’s feelings, or I might regret this later, but right now writing this feels just about right.

I’ll be the wind strong enough to blow out the fire, and cold enough to freeze water.