The psalms will never call me again.

Thirty-One: Good Riddance

And just like that I was leaving that office again (hopefully for the last time)
I’m leaving the friends, the comrades, the phonies, the memories, and the place
There was a lot of phonies but the parting was sincere
Walking through hell was worth it with the bastards
But I’m off to hybernate

We endured. We survived. We are the bastards.

"We used to be good bacterias in the dirt, the water, in this forsaken earth. Then something bad happened. We evolved. To something so hateful, so destructive, so selfish."

And he told me “just do it kid.” and I just stared at him.

"Well, who was it?" asked my uncle.

"It was… me… or what’s left of my being." I trembled as I told him.

"You can’t kill everything. Cockroaches has survived nuclear explosions. And you’re fucking scared of them."

"We need people. The world needs human beings. Animals can’t tax themselves. They wouldn’t suffer if we weren’t here. They’d be at peace. Then they won’t be living at all."

"There was something in her eyes, it sparkled, and I got scared. So I picked up the spoon on my left and gouged out her eyes. Now’s not the time to go all… tender." 

"Listen, if you choose to be evil, do it in such a way that you don’t have to hurt someone or destroy something beautiful."

Hephaestus And Aphrodite

You see, love, when we’re safe and sound underneath the blankets and sheets we’re invincible like no one can ever break us. Nothing can come between us. Like nothing can ever come between us. We only have ourselves having an intimate orgy with the bed and the pillows, with the walls as witnesses to the breaths we exchange and words we carefully lay on each others lips. We are alone. We are invincible. We are our own Gods during those nights we spend with each other.

Morning comes and you still look beautiful, with the sunlight blanketing your body. Oh how I wish it would still be night time. The sun greets us as if mocking us that we are indeed mere mortals. That all of this has to end soon enough. We are not Gods. We are cursed. The morning hates us. We try to cling on to the remaining moments before we have to face the world once more. A world that has too many faces. Too many fuckheads and not enough hurt to kill them. Waves after waves of ugly faces trying to break us. Trying to steal one of us from the other. Poisoning each other’s mind with paranoia and anger. With jealousy and mistrust. We are challenged. We are given dull blades and sharp tongues, either to use on the creeps around us or against each other. We are faced with these challenges, we accidentally break each others hearts with hands intact.

We hold on to each other as we wait for another night. As we lay in each other’s invulnerability. As we wait for that moment when our night finally becomes eternal.

And there’s too much pain to bear, and the people I want to talk to are miles away. And i’m not sure if I do want to tell them about how much it’s eating me alive. And I try to repress and numb everything down. I try to control the tears, but gravity’s pulling it down. It’s hurting too much  because I can’t talk to anyone about it, but I hope that if I wrote it down it would help ease even just a bit.

Life Is A Beach: Day 1

Leaving. We went to Bataan the other day. I was feeling indifferent and excited both at the same time and I don’t even know how that’s possible. I thought it was going to be awkward having to spend a couple of days with my cousins that I haven’t seen and talked to in almost 5 years. I decided to just fuck it and go.

First Stop. All of us got out of the van. Some of us went to the restrooms, some of us bought some food, but most of us just smoked. I bought a pack of cigarettes and approached my cousins. It was pretty awkward. I didn’t know what to say or do. But they greeted me and asked me how I was faring up. My dad went to us while we were smoking and acted surprised. My cousins almost shat their pants. They knew that I smoked but they didn’t know that my dad knew. My dad and I had a pretty good laugh.

Coffee. My cousin bought a coffee from a fast food joint and my dad asked him if he likes Starsucks. He said no, and that he thinks it’s the shittiest coffee in the world for charging people too much for diarrhea in hot water or ice. Whatever floats your fucking caffè macchiato. He said that, not me.

Into The Slightly Wild. I have to admit that it was a good trip. The more we got farther from the city, the more calm I felt. I was at peace, you know? Even with the music blowing the shit out of my eardrums, I was still at peace. Just seeing the greens would really make a difference. The air felt so good as it entered my lungs, then I started smoking like a chimney. 

Finally. We arrived at Bataan and it looked so familiar, well, that’s because it was the same beach resort we went to almost 5 years ago. Everybody started unloading and went inside the resort. We waited for about 58 years til they let us inside our rooms.

Room 2208. The rooms were really nice, I had to admit. The beds felt like you were sleeping inside a vagina and the pillows felt like soft boobies. It didn’t take long til that haven turned to fucking hell. There was 8 of us inside a room that only has 2 beds. So what we did, we took one of the mattresses from the other room and put it inside our room. Then we hang the “Do not disturb sign” outside. We then locked and blocked the door with tables, lamps, chairs, and tanks. No one could get in and we were laughing our asses off. 

Beee-ach! We didn’t have anything to do til the sun sets. So we waited outside the room and smoked like factories. I think the polar ice caps melted because of us. It got so boring so we decided to go to the beach and have ourselves a little fun. We went down there and saw tons of beach babes. They have really nice bodies, I have to admit. But to tell you the truth I didn’t go too crazy about them girls in their bikinis. This may sound I don’t know but I couldn’t stop thinking about my girl. I was in the moment, nothing else mattered, but then I started thinking of her. I missed her. I really did. That depressed me. I decided to swim and cool off. It worked. We were all having fun. The water was too cold tho. Like I said, we fucking melted the polar ice caps. But it was fun. It really was. 

Gay! One of my cousins told her mom that her brother called another cousin gay. And the said gay cousin pushed his brother and his brother pushed back and the said gay cousin cried his eyes off. Their mom was so angry. We laughed our faces off. But then I thought about it, what was so funny about being gay? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t know what’s up with other people, what their problem is with sexuality.

Turtles. We saw a bunch of people just standing around at the end of the beach. They stood there for like a couple of hours. So they decided to check what’s up. Then we saw them hatchlings or baby turtles. Did you know that hatchlings eat planktons? Planktons, are those tiny organism that’s basically in the bottom of the food chain in Atlantis. Then as the hatchlings grow bigger they start eating fishes, and when they’re all grown up they eat pizza. Oh yeah! There was this girl Michelle who was a trainee in that resort who was half espanyol and half filipina. She was friendly and knew a lot about sea creatures. But she’s too young. Well, judging from her looks we all thought she was like 16 or 17. So besides, the lovely Michelle, we watched the hatchlings reach the shore. Out of a hundred only 3 or 4 would survive. Poor fellas. It kind of reminds you that life is pretty much beautiful in a shitty fuck you kind of way.

Sunset. Sunsets are overrated. Definitely is, but there’s something about that sun bleeding over the horizon with its orange rays that has a calming effect. You look at it and you don’t know what the hell it is that makes it so fucking beautiful, but it does. It’s overrated, but it’s a beautiful shit. Didn’t stare at it for too long. But in that half an hour stare down, it felt really good like getting to finally poop after a month of constipation. 

Flappy Beer. It was getting dark and we decided to drink at the beach. It was really dark tho. A shark could fucking come out of the sea and walk passed you and you wouldn’t even notice. We had 3 boxes of beer and 2 bottles of Jägermeister. We had a bet that whoever would get the lowest score in Flappy Bird would take a shot. While we were playing that game only 3 of us were taking the shots. Gotnam bird. My cousins thought that it was unfair so we stopped it. 

Stars. We all stared at the stars that night. It was so beautiful. There were a lot of stars compared to the night sky here in the city. It was really amazing to see all of them. I was like a child trying to look for the constellations. Back when I was a kid I knew every constellation there is. Now I can’t remember twat, well, I remember some of them. But at that very moment it didn’t matter, I didn’t matter. It almost felt like I was just a single grain of sand in the whole entire beach. The galaxy could eat me at that time and I wouldn’t even mind. I stared at the stars as I listened to my breathes crash into the shore. Everybody didn’t even matter. I was alone and at peace and I couldn’t care less. 

Opening Up Like A Clam. After a while one of my cousins asked us to open up about “Girls”. We all did. Some of my cousins haven’t had a girlfriend since birth. I wouldn’t want to tell you their story since we swore that we wouldn’t let our stories out. But one of my cousins said some pretty interesting things that I think is okay to share. He told us not to chase after girls. It shouldn’t be one sided. If they’re interested in us or if they think we guys are important to them they should make that effort as well. To reassure us. To come to us and meet us halfway. Second thing he told us was that we shouldn’t be looking for love, because if it’s meant to be, then it’s meant to be. It’s as simple as that. Third was to be a good person, plain and simple. To help other people, respect them, accept them, and just live life and enjoy it. (not the YOLO swag kind). I don’t think you’d agree with some of them but hey, he’s got some good points.

Chips, Fries, And Drunk Guys. After we left the beach we decided to go grab something to eat. The problem was we didn’t have any money with us because we left it all in the car. So we fooled around a bit in the balcony, knocking on our aunts’ door. Nobody was answering so we kept knocking and laughing and finally one of our cousins offered to pay for the food. When we arrived at the restaurant/bar everybody didn’t know what to order. There was chaos. Until finally, we decided to just order some clubhouse sandwiches, fries, and iced tea. But one of my cousins, again, decided that he’ll have chips instead of fries. The waitress got so pissed off, that I think they spat and peed on our sandwiches. It was still good tho.

Black Out. After we ate we got back into our room and we passed out…