The psalms will never call me again.

She’s someone who’d make you build your walls up higher, but she’s someone that you’d let your guard down for. Sometimes the more you want to distance yourself, the more you long to be near her.

"Don’t let people get too close to you, Mr. Saladin. Let people through your defences and the bastards go and knife you in the heart."
— Zeenat Vakil (The Satanic Verses)

"I guess I’ll have to do this again tomorrow."

Inipon-ipong Salitang Balbal

Tao po, tao po!
Sikat na ang araw
Wag naman po sanang umulan
Bigyan mo ako nito, bibigyan kita niyan

 Sa lansangan maglaro
Wag ka mabahala tahimik pa ang lahat
Mga dating kwento
Mas may katotohanan kesa salitang balbal

Tulog ng umaga, Gising sa gabi
Nakalimutan na ang init ng araw
Di pinapansin ang ulan
Kapag may nakuha saka magtatakbuhan

May arnibal yung taho
Pero fishball nalang di pa nagmamahal
Mga dating sentimo naging piso
Wala ng magbabago kahit sino ang mahalal

Lazy Too Sleazy

They saw me desperate
I was invited to the mothership
Where everyone wore coats and ties
Expensive coffee, sip by sip

How are you?
Kamusta? Kamusta ka? Putangina ka!
How are you, are you?
Kamusta? Kamusta ka?! Putangina ka!

Feeding on crumbs
Picked up underneath the table
Trying to survive on this alone
Forgotten like a disabled

How are you?
Kamusta? Kamusta? Putangina ka!
How are you, are you?
Kamusta? Kamusta?! Putangina ka!

So mister, mister!
Can you tell me how not to fall apart?
I missed the tone
My bones broke like oh-Oh-OH from a song

Hi

Alone. No distractions. Nothing. Alone, and I didn’t mind at all until I remembered when she stayed for the night here. I had work to do and she was tired. I told her that I needed to do something downstairs, that I’d be back. She made that cute annoyed sound. I kissed her and tried to force my way out of her embrace. I didn’t want to though. So I worked my ass off until I was dead tired and sleepy. When I came back to my room I saw her in bed. Still there. Still sleeping. She looked so beautiful in her sleep. An amazing and wonderful thing to come home to. I embraced her and she took my hand and pulled my arms like a blanket and covered herself. 

Alone. Now, I’m not just alone, but I’m totally alone. I guess, not totally alone. I got Celine Dion singing Alone in my head.

Spot On Bacon

She was right. Everything I’d see in the next few weeks would remind me of her. Everything did. From the moment I went home I saw where we first kissed, her seat at our table, where she usually seats when she’s waiting for me to finish my chores, I even imagined her washing the dishes. 

My room was the worst. I think we had most of our memories there. From the cuddling, to the laughter, the fights, the markings on the wall, even the trash everywhere reminded me of her. There was a piece of her lying around somewhere. 

Last night I tried to feel our last night together in that room. Smoking weed and shit. So I did. I smoked a fat joint then I started floating. I went back. I imagined her lying there and I hugged her. Oh how I wish I could hug her again. I imagined kissing her. I don’t know. It was wrong but it felt like I needed that somehow. 

I tried to pull my self together. Washed off. Cooked, ate, did my chores. Then I saw it, those plastic spoon and fork from a convenience store. Like a ghost haunting me. We didn’t use it when we ate, and I thought I threw that in the trash, but it’s there. Just sitting there. Still a memory. It’s depressing. It’s fucked up. I’m fucked.

A Letter For The Innevitable

I don’t know how to start this because suddenly it’s the end. I don’t want to say anything because every breath I take might take away a memory, our memory to be exact.

I am the unknown and I loved the innevitable.

She and I were very different from each other, but we intertwined intricately perfect together. In a way she loved the attention but hated to admit it. But she’s the kind of girl that could make a room stop breathing for a moment. I hated that, because suddenly she wasn’t exclusively mine anymore. Well, she wasn’t to begin with. But jealousy would take over where love and appreciation used to be. But she’d look at me and her smile would reassure me once more. I felt safe and reassured with her.

She’s a wild child. She’d take her time crossing the street, she wouldn’t mind if she was late, always thinking positively, always telling herself that everything’s still in place. Nothing seemed to shake her. She wasn’t scared of the world until she experienced it first hand. I guess I was thankful for that cab incident that it went like that, just like that and nothing more. Nothing serious but enough to keep her on her toes. She was brave and she was my courage.

It seems like I’m telling you our story instead of saying something about her. I’m not really good with eulogies. I didn’t really thought of making one for someone. It’s really depressing to write about someone in the past tense when all you really want is to take comfort in their presence and be hopeful for the uncertainty of the future. There will be no present after this. This would be the last. I just wish that the texture of her skin, the scent of her breath, the beauty of the world in her eyes, the caress of her voice, the feel of her, the feel of the moments I cherished with her would stay with me until someone else reads me a eulogy.

Farewell, love. You shall be the light that would guide me home. The light at the end of the tunnel. My light, my life, and my love. I will always be amazed by all that you are and shall forever remain yours.

Spectral

I was not the first man on the moon
But I’m the first moron
to ever gravitate along it’s curvature

And I made my home within the stars
Waiting for the rain
Waiting for the pour

The currents push
The tides collide
Someday that would be us

Red to blue, blue to green
Green to green then fade to black
That’s just way too mean

Don’t pull the trigger no, not yet
Black doesn’t suit the room
But white’s too pure

Get a candle
Strike a match
Look for a friend
Throw comets and play catch

Pull the ozone
Then just lay still
Do all of this again tomorrow
You’re losing time to kill

I love you, Dorkstar.

And I love you too.

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