And there’s too much pain to bear, and the people I want to talk to are miles away. And i’m not sure if I do want to tell them about how much it’s eating me alive. And I try to repress and numb everything down. I try to control the tears, but gravity’s pulling it down. It’s hurting too much because I can’t talk to anyone about it, but I hope that if I wrote it down it would help ease even just a bit.
Life Is A Beach: Day 1
Leaving. We went to Bataan the other day. I was feeling indifferent and excited both at the same time and I don’t even know how that’s possible. I thought it was going to be awkward having to spend a couple of days with my cousins that I haven’t seen and talked to in almost 5 years. I decided to just fuck it and go.
First Stop. All of us got out of the van. Some of us went to the restrooms, some of us bought some food, but most of us just smoked. I bought a pack of cigarettes and approached my cousins. It was pretty awkward. I didn’t know what to say or do. But they greeted me and asked me how I was faring up. My dad went to us while we were smoking and acted surprised. My cousins almost shat their pants. They knew that I smoked but they didn’t know that my dad knew. My dad and I had a pretty good laugh.
Coffee. My cousin bought a coffee from a fast food joint and my dad asked him if he likes Starsucks. He said no, and that he thinks it’s the shittiest coffee in the world for charging people too much for diarrhea in hot water or ice. Whatever floats your fucking caffè macchiato. He said that, not me.
Into The Slightly Wild. I have to admit that it was a good trip. The more we got farther from the city, the more calm I felt. I was at peace, you know? Even with the music blowing the shit out of my eardrums, I was still at peace. Just seeing the greens would really make a difference. The air felt so good as it entered my lungs, then I started smoking like a chimney.
Finally. We arrived at Bataan and it looked so familiar, well, that’s because it was the same beach resort we went to almost 5 years ago. Everybody started unloading and went inside the resort. We waited for about 58 years til they let us inside our rooms.
Room 2208. The rooms were really nice, I had to admit. The beds felt like you were sleeping inside a vagina and the pillows felt like soft boobies. It didn’t take long til that haven turned to fucking hell. There was 8 of us inside a room that only has 2 beds. So what we did, we took one of the mattresses from the other room and put it inside our room. Then we hang the “Do not disturb sign” outside. We then locked and blocked the door with tables, lamps, chairs, and tanks. No one could get in and we were laughing our asses off.
Beee-ach! We didn’t have anything to do til the sun sets. So we waited outside the room and smoked like factories. I think the polar ice caps melted because of us. It got so boring so we decided to go to the beach and have ourselves a little fun. We went down there and saw tons of beach babes. They have really nice bodies, I have to admit. But to tell you the truth I didn’t go too crazy about them girls in their bikinis. This may sound I don’t know but I couldn’t stop thinking about my girl. I was in the moment, nothing else mattered, but then I started thinking of her. I missed her. I really did. That depressed me. I decided to swim and cool off. It worked. We were all having fun. The water was too cold tho. Like I said, we fucking melted the polar ice caps. But it was fun. It really was.
Gay! One of my cousins told her mom that her brother called another cousin gay. And the said gay cousin pushed his brother and his brother pushed back and the said gay cousin cried his eyes off. Their mom was so angry. We laughed our faces off. But then I thought about it, what was so funny about being gay? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t know what’s up with other people, what their problem is with sexuality.
Turtles. We saw a bunch of people just standing around at the end of the beach. They stood there for like a couple of hours. So they decided to check what’s up. Then we saw them hatchlings or baby turtles. Did you know that hatchlings eat planktons? Planktons, are those tiny organism that’s basically in the bottom of the food chain in Atlantis. Then as the hatchlings grow bigger they start eating fishes, and when they’re all grown up they eat pizza. Oh yeah! There was this girl Michelle who was a trainee in that resort who was half espanyol and half filipina. She was friendly and knew a lot about sea creatures. But she’s too young. Well, judging from her looks we all thought she was like 16 or 17. So besides, the lovely Michelle, we watched the hatchlings reach the shore. Out of a hundred only 3 or 4 would survive. Poor fellas. It kind of reminds you that life is pretty much beautiful in a shitty fuck you kind of way.
Sunset. Sunsets are overrated. Definitely is, but there’s something about that sun bleeding over the horizon with its orange rays that has a calming effect. You look at it and you don’t know what the hell it is that makes it so fucking beautiful, but it does. It’s overrated, but it’s a beautiful shit. Didn’t stare at it for too long. But in that half an hour stare down, it felt really good like getting to finally poop after a month of constipation.
Flappy Beer. It was getting dark and we decided to drink at the beach. It was really dark tho. A shark could fucking come out of the sea and walk passed you and you wouldn’t even notice. We had 3 boxes of beer and 2 bottles of Jägermeister. We had a bet that whoever would get the lowest score in Flappy Bird would take a shot. While we were playing that game only 3 of us were taking the shots. Gotnam bird. My cousins thought that it was unfair so we stopped it.
Stars. We all stared at the stars that night. It was so beautiful. There were a lot of stars compared to the night sky here in the city. It was really amazing to see all of them. I was like a child trying to look for the constellations. Back when I was a kid I knew every constellation there is. Now I can’t remember twat, well, I remember some of them. But at that very moment it didn’t matter, I didn’t matter. It almost felt like I was just a single grain of sand in the whole entire beach. The galaxy could eat me at that time and I wouldn’t even mind. I stared at the stars as I listened to my breathes crash into the shore. Everybody didn’t even matter. I was alone and at peace and I couldn’t care less.
Opening Up Like A Clam. After a while one of my cousins asked us to open up about “Girls”. We all did. Some of my cousins haven’t had a girlfriend since birth. I wouldn’t want to tell you their story since we swore that we wouldn’t let our stories out. But one of my cousins said some pretty interesting things that I think is okay to share. He told us not to chase after girls. It shouldn’t be one sided. If they’re interested in us or if they think we guys are important to them they should make that effort as well. To reassure us. To come to us and meet us halfway. Second thing he told us was that we shouldn’t be looking for love, because if it’s meant to be, then it’s meant to be. It’s as simple as that. Third was to be a good person, plain and simple. To help other people, respect them, accept them, and just live life and enjoy it. (not the YOLO swag kind). I don’t think you’d agree with some of them but hey, he’s got some good points.
Chips, Fries, And Drunk Guys. After we left the beach we decided to go grab something to eat. The problem was we didn’t have any money with us because we left it all in the car. So we fooled around a bit in the balcony, knocking on our aunts’ door. Nobody was answering so we kept knocking and laughing and finally one of our cousins offered to pay for the food. When we arrived at the restaurant/bar everybody didn’t know what to order. There was chaos. Until finally, we decided to just order some clubhouse sandwiches, fries, and iced tea. But one of my cousins, again, decided that he’ll have chips instead of fries. The waitress got so pissed off, that I think they spat and peed on our sandwiches. It was still good tho.
Black Out. After we ate we got back into our room and we passed out…
I’m Made For You, Just Like The Internet’s Made For Porn
"Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap."
And that my friend is from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
What is it about Valentine’s day that everyone’s so worked up on? Everyone’s being romantic with flowers and chocolates and shit. Yes, what better way to show love than a flower and 3 hours in a motel room.
Have you ever been to a motel on Valentine’s day? Me neither. But a relative who works there told me that there’s always a long line during that day. Come on, would you like to do it in a room where the bed’s still warm from the tossing and turning of someone else. They may change the sheets but someone left his undying love there. Wouldn’t it be fun to watch those people in the waiting area or lobby. I bet you’d be judging every face waiting there. Ladies and gentlemen, that there is love at its finest.
“Love is in the air”. That killed me. I think some guys out there are just taking advantage of that wonderful day to get laid. And some girls love that day because come on, who wouldn’t want a bouquet of flowers from a sincere stalker. That’s very flattering.
I think if you’re going to give the whole gotnam Garden of Eden full of roses to some girl and all the chocolates from Wonka’s chocolate factory and not give a petal to your mums or grandparents then I think you’re a fucking twat. Yes, sad to say, I’m a fucking twat as well. When I was in fucking highschool I was suave as shit giving girls flowers and none to my mum. Yes, sorry about that. But I did give her a bunch of kangkong last year and we had a good laugh and a really good Sinigang.
Anyway, I think it’s a good idea I just stayed home. It was cheaper and I got to stay away from the phonies. Let’s just cut the crap. I’m starting to sound like Caulfield.
Sa mundo ng magaganda’t gwapo, mga seksi’t macho, ayoko lang talaga makiuso kaya ako ganito.
What Do You Call A Lonely Wave?
No, you’re not alone. In every aspect. In everything. You’re never alone.
The weight of the world might weigh on your shoulders and it might seem like the problems are crashing like how the waves kisses the shores, but you’re not alone. Someone out there is experiencing the same shit you’re facing. And someone else is out there behind your back. Watching you. Wanting to help or is helping in some little way.
Sometimes you’re never alone with your “significant other”. There might be someone else who is “significant” to them. That makes you insignificant. They might be seeing someone behind your back. They might always be thinking of you whether they see a piece of clothing that reminds them of how you looked the first time they saw you, a certain scent, a specific feel. One way or another you’re never alone. You have your lover, or you have your paramour.
Your family will leave you or you’ll leave them. But you’ll always have the same blood running through your veins. The same reflection that reminds you of them is on your face. They will never leave you.
You’re never alone in this world, but you’ll always be miserable.
Bagong Taon Na, Luma Pa Rin Brip Ko
Bagong taon. Ano nga ba meron sa pagiihip ng torotot? Pagpapaputok ng makayanig pader na pulburang isinilid sa mala-manila paper na papel? Ano ba meron sa paghahanda? Pagsusuot ng pula? At paggulong ng mga anak ng ponkan na kyet kyet mula pinto hanggang higaan? Ang daming ritwal. Di pa ako naliligo.
Sabi nila kung anong ginawa mo o estado mo pagpatak ng alas dose, yun ang matatamasan mo buong taon. Kung mahirap ka, buong taon kang hirap. Kung mayaman ka, buong taon kang corrupt government official. Kung healthy ka, ikaw ang nasa cover ng health magazines sa loob ng labing-dalawang buwan. At kung may sakiy ka, magdasal ka na. Hapon palang pinapanalangin ko nang gumaling na ako mula sa ubo. Tangina, ayoko maging parang tambucho ng lumang sasakyan buong taon. Pero hindi ganun yun. Pag mahirap ka pag bagong taon, magtrabaho at magsumikap ka. Pag mayaman ka naman, siguraduhin mong mabuti ang ginagawa mo. Kung healthy ka, panatiliin mo yan. Wag ka na kumurot sa lechon. At kung may sakit ka, uminom ka ng gamot at iwasan na ang paninigarilyo.
Malapit na magbagong taon. Nakakatamad yung gabi. Di katulad ng dati. Siguro namimiss ko lang pamilya ko at kung ano kami noong bata pa ako (pero alam kong may mas malalang estado ng pamilya kesa sa akin, pero, wala. yun kasi nakasanayan ko). Excited ang lahat kahit may “The Grinch” sa pamilya tuwing may okasyon. Lahat umaakyat sa bubong para manood ng fireworks. At pagsapit ng alas-dose naglulundagan ang aking mga kapatid para tumangkad. Ngayon masyado ng malamig ang gabi at nakakalungkot ang kwarto. Kaya naisip ko na “pakdatsyit magbabasa nalang ako.” At sa gitna ng putukan at putukan, nasa kwarto ako. Mataimtim na nagbasa at tumunganga.
Pagbaba ko tumugtog ang kantang “Get Lucky” ng Daft Punk na sinamahan ni Pharrell Williams. Nagsayaw ako na parang timang. Pang-matandang slo-mo dance at kinulit ko ang nanay ko habang inaayos niya ang mga mahiwagang prutas na magbibigay ng angking kaswertehan sa amin. Naiinis ang aking nanay pero di siya tumitingin. Busy siguro siya o ayaw niyang tanggapin ang katotohanan na baliw ang anak niya. Minsan naiisip ko na baka akala nila high nanaman ako sa kung anong drugs at alikabok ng kwarto. Pero tingin ko nga nakita na nila ang stas ko at ang paper bag na puno ng uhh "loneliness kit" ko na binuno ko noong college ako. Off topic. Balik traffic.
Mahiwagang prutas, kingina. Halos lahat ginawa yun pero halos lahat din di swinerte. Depende ata sa binili mo kung swerte o hindi. May limited edition kyet kyet at golden core apples ata na ibinibenta kahalo ang ibang regular fruits na pampaswerte. Tingin ko pag yun ang nadampot mo tiyak ang swerte.
Dati takot ako sa watusi. Kasi naman nung bata kami ng mga pinsan ko nagbabatuhan kami nun at kay saya. Unang beses ko itry sindihan habang hawak ang deadly watusi. Pasmado ako. Dumikit ang watusi. Namutla at umurong ang ti. Pero nagimprove naman after 10 years. Tinuruan din ako noong tin eydyer ako kung paano timer-an ang 5 star. Sakanila gumana. Akin muntikan lang ang sakuna. Sumabog kaagad pagkabitaw ko. Meron pang isa, nagkukunwarian kami maghagisan ng picolo (yung parang posporo na paputok). Kunwari may sindi. Di ko napansin na meron ngang sindi ang ibinato ng pinsan ko. Namutla ang panignin. Pati pinsan ko namutla. Pero kumpleto pa ako. Pwedeng olats ang picolo, o may taglay akong superpowers. Picolo man. Malas daw ang itinataboy pag nagpapaputok, pero parang manghang mangha ang kamalasan kapag ako ang nagpapaputok dahil ganun nalang ang swerte ko sa disgrasya dulot ng mga paputok.
Tinanong ko ang nanay ko kung anong swerteng kulay ngayon. Blue at red daw sabi sa isang segment, pero red at green daw sabi sa balita. Magrered ako. Mamantsahan ko ang puting tshirt ko gamit ang dugo ng aking mga kaaway. Biro lang. Yung tanga lang.
"Happy New Year!" galak na galak na tono, pero ang mensahe di totoo. Minsan sasabihin mo "happy new year!" pero sa loob loob mo "mamatay ka na sana this year!"
Parang di ko trip manood ng fireworks display sa kalangitan. Baka matuhog ang bungo ko ng stick ng kiwitis. Mas swerte siguro kung manonood ako ng Troy (yung kay brad pitt tungkol sa fall ng troy dahil sa sakim at horny na si paris)dahil year of the wooden horse. Pero mas swerte ka kung ikaw si Manoling Morato o anak ni Napoles.
Isinulat noong ika-31 ng Disyembre taong 2013
kasagsagan ng putukan
I’m an angry bastard. I’ve got demons that I can’t seem to suppress. I’m selfish, but I do have an evil plan to save the world. I’m impatient, but I’m always late. I get pissed off when a plan falls apart. I used to hang out with the bullies because I thought they’d let me get off the hook if I hung out with them, now I just want to kick them in the nut.
So Fact You!
Followers: Lead; Power: Greed
One way or another we are all given power over something or one another. Power to attain wealth, more power. To use on someone just because you’re in the mood, or to use it for the greater good.
We are all leaders as much as we are followers. We can take advantage of what we have or make everything a bit better. We are to inspire as we have been inspired.
I want more followers. I will create leaders. I will make them see that they can make things better. We will be better. Everything will be better. I want more power. This power I will share. I am not afraid that someone will be better than me. I do not fear that someone might succeed me. They will carry with them a part of what I have given them. My only fear is that they will use this power to feed their own greed. For I am partly responsible for what they will become after I’ve shown them what’s in store if they grasp and awaken the potentials just hiding inside them.
"So don’t fall in love, there’s just too much to lose
If given the choice then I’m begging you, choose
To walk away, walk away
Don’t let her get you
I can’t bare to see the same happen to you
Now son, I’m only telling you this because
Life, can do terrible things.”
The Museum Of Natural Fart
People will tell you not what you need to hear but rather what they want or need to. What they think is best for everyone. Everyone’s best interest starts with them and ends with them.
You can’t expect people to stop lying. It’s an unnecessary necessity. Lies on top of each other like the stacks of the highest cake. Or an onion with a never ending core. You either peel through each layer and cry your eyes dry or you chew gum and just play it cool.
There’s “Lie” in “Life”. It’s inevitable. We just have to be careful when to use it. A powerful tool that can change the tides, conceal pride, or end ties.
We are fed more shit than food. If it could fill our bellies then the world would be free from poverty. We are served the same shit we serve. The government’s shitting on our heads. We’re shitting on the palms of those who are relying on us. It’s an endless cycle.
A mother that assures her child that everything will be fine. A father trying to slither his way out because of the lipstick on his collar. The gators before the election. The priest behind the altar. The devil with the contract. Lying has been the worst greatest gift. And we have perfected it over the years.